I finally got back to Horsham this week. I have done a pretty good job of making this place home, and whilst I will always love Mildura, and always miss Melbourne, being in Horsham gives me a sense of purpose that doesn’t exsist in my various other locations.
I was in Horsham when I first got sick, so was reffered on to Ballarat. This explains my triangle of movement over the last six and a half weeks. In my real life, I love a road trip, whether its on your own or with a car full of people. You get the tunes going, and you tick off the small towns on your list, and you recalculate the time until you reach your final destination, based on the green distance signs on along the highway. It’s all fun. However, in my new normal, roach trips are quite an effort, as is packing, unpacking, then repacking. So I’m very happy to be settled here for a while.
When we arrived, I obviously had no food in the house so off to the supermarket we went. I could feel myelf getting nervous, goosebumps galore, and that tingly feeing in my belly. As I walked in I had to take long slow breaths to calm myself down, (this wasn’t obvious to people, carrying on like that walking into Coles would make you look stupid..) but I was moving slowerly and had my head down. I saw the odd familiar face, which made it worse. I didn’t want people to stare, and even though I knew they weren’t, it just felt like they were. For those yet to fill the blank, I no longer have my hair.
I thought I was ok with losing my hair, I was ready for the big shave; and when the time came, I didn’t cry, I laughed at my friend Jem who was giving me every bad haircut under the sun before shaving it with a number two. When I’m at home, I don’t wear a hat or a beanie. Every now and then I forget and I am confronted with my reflection and it shocks me a little, but then its ok again. No big meltdown necessary, But whenever I go somewhere that I haven’t yet been as a baldy, I get quite anxious and my nervousness comes back. But really, as soon as I’ve done it, its ok, and the next time wil be too, as will the one after that.
I don’t have the “its just hair” attitude, because it’s not. My hair made up a lot of my appearance and without it I’m definitely lacking in confidence. But to me it is more important to keep living my new normal, than to miss out on more things because I’m too scared. People might stare, I will just have to learn to ignore them. So I’ll ask all you lovely people to please, for my sake, and every other insecure balding young lady out there, don’t look twice when you pass on by, we’re getting used to it too.