I have tried as much as possible to not be too negative about this experience, but I’m warning you, this post does not fit that ideal, so if this isn’t what you were after, stop reading now.
As the treatments continue, people have asked in passing “is it getting easier?’ As much as I would love to say “yes, I’m completely used to it,” it’s really not. If anything it is getting harder. It is the little things that get to me now, the sound of the drip, the smell of the alcohol wipes, even just parking at the hospital. I get that nauseas feeling, and get incredibly anxious about needles and the two litres of chemicals that get pumped into me over four hours. Five cycles later, (that is 10 treatments) I still can’t believe that this is my life.
I miss the daily grind, waking up every day and having a routine.
I miss doing whatever I feel like, and not having to consider what day I am in, and who will be around.
I miss teaching.
I miss doing my hair.
I miss feeling good about myself.
I am feeling very exposed at the moment, as I poor out my heart on the keyboard. This blog has played a huge role in getting me through this experience, and before I wrapped it all up, I wanted to be completely honest. This still sucks.
Yesterday George said to me to do as much as I can to turn this experience into a positive; and last week in Sydney I certainly did. It was the perfect change of scenary I needed. I got some sun, went to the beach, ate some amazing food and enjoyed a few pretty drinks. I fell for Sydney big time. Don’t get me wrong, it is a navagational nightmare, and those hills make jogging far less enjoyable than it normally is; but I’m a water girl, and as Kari says, Sydney is all about the water. It’s pretty hard to feel like crap when the sun is shining, and you can see the harbour. It’s actually beautiful. Not to mention the special people I was spending time with.
With one cycle to go I’m starting to ask questions about what comes next. So here is the run down, as far as I know:
- I have two treatments left, one on the 26th of Nov, and the 10th of Dec.
- I will have a PET and CT scans in mid January, to make sure the suckers are gone.
- I’m going to Noosa for the Australia Day long weekend
- My port will have to be flushed (read needles) every few weeks until it comes out which hopefully will be in the first half of 2014
- I start back at work full time on Jan 28
I feel a bit unomfortbale with the negative vibes that come from this post, but fear not, the near future is looking exciting and there are only 26 days left. Look out!